Brain Dungeon

Dear Stacy’s friend who works at a convenience store and sent a whole case of energy drinks with her to our office as a promotional thing:

I want to thank you for your generosity in thinking about Stacy and the people she works with. Working in an office all day long can actually be quite draining and sitting in front of a computer all day can literally make people lose all will to actually even move their fingers to type…I think that’s why voice recognition software was created. Having liquid energy in 16oz cans sitting in our office fridge is hugely convenient.

Anyway, while I am appreciative of the gesture, I thought I would let you know what happened after consuming my first 6 cans during my lunch hour yesterday.

First of all, I was mildly amused by the moniker of “Earth Shattering Energy” on the can…at first. After the third can or so, I realized that this was no “amusing” matter. Truth be told I am a little concerned that my internal organs may not stop violently spasming. I probably should have stopped after the 5th can as the MRI at the ER last night revealed severe bruising of my brain. They asked if I had been in an accident of some kind because it was like my brain had bounced around in my skull violently for hours. I guess it’s a good thing they’re low-carb…imagine if I’d had all that sugar too!!!

Also, did you know that one serving of that energy drink has 100% recommended daily values of Niacin (B3), 190% of B6 and 180% of B12? Did you also know that there are 2 servings per can? I guess consuming 1200% of B3, 2280% of B6 and 2160% of B12 in under an hour throws your vitamin balance a little off. I couldn’t touch a computer for the rest of the day because my body actually absorbed all the A’s, C’s, D’s and E’s off every screen and keyboard I came in contact with. Imagine that! I had the energy and will to work, but COULDN’T!

I did some reading on the symptoms of overdosing on B vitamins, but there is one side effect that I suffered that I couldn’t seem to correlate and was wondering if you’d heard of it. After about 2 hours and 8 more cans of energy drink, the two separate hemispheres of my brain seemed to begin operating independantly of each other…and without regard to my willful operation of the finer motor functions of my own body, my right arm ripped my left arm clean off my body and started beating me in the face with it. I ran around the office screaming for help, but no one would come near me. And when I say “ran” I’m using the term loosely. My left leg ran, but my right leg stubbornly stood in one place so really I was just spinning around in circles. Have you ever beaten yourself in the face with your own dismembered arm while spinning in circles and screaming? Apparently others see that is “crazy.” The blows must have been pretty forceful too because, although the bruising and cracked bones in my face will heal quickly, I am still having trouble finding the middle and ring fingers of my left arm. I think it is important to note at this point that my right arm was the prosthetic one.

As I can generally be a little crazy at work, it took a while for anyone to realize just how serious a reaction I was having. I must have told them over and over I really needed help, but apparently it was coming out as “FADA BADA BADA BADA BLUH BLUH BLUH FFFF THBBBBBB”. While this isn’t completely unusual for me in the office, this time I hadn’t been on a tech support call for the last hour.

Lastly, I thought it interesting to note that until the final 4 cans yesterday I thought the term “jumping out of my skin” was just a euphimism. Did you know seeing a living human body with no skin can actually make people vomit? Although it probably didn’t help that my skeleton wasn’t much support for all the meat because it had vibrated to almost complete liquification.

Anyway – sorry to go on and on, but I just wanted to thank you again for thinking of us. Aside from the missing fingers, the doctors seem confident that I will be mostly back to normal after a heart transplant, brain surgery, and after they reapply my skin and re-attach my left arm. I look forward to trying the other flavors of that energy drink!

NO TRUCK!!!

*Sigh* well, I feel like being nice about it because the guy sounded so apologetic when I called for an update, but apparently getting the brakes fixed on our truck was so time consuming that they couldn’t find time to finish the whole airbag light problem. According to the manager, the part for the airbag light thing came in, but not until later in the afternoon. They got whatever needed disassembling disassembled, but they’re not quite ready to put it all back together yet. Perhaps they really just forgot how…

So, we will supposedly get the truck back tomorrow. I know they’re doing me a favor by fixing my truck, but why do they have to forget that I’m doing them a favor by giving them my business? It’s just so frustrating.

On a much less serious note:

I’m not sure how many of my readers are also readers of my wife’s blog, but I know there’s at least a couple of you out there. For those of you who are NOT my wife’s readers, it might behoove you (did I really just use that word?) to check out her post about the 11 boxes of the same thing and get a laugh when she talks about her paranoia of clicking submit incorrectly. She said in her post:

“Pushing that submit button, you must understand, sends a jolt of panic up and down my spine and I click it as quickly and as lightly as I possibly can so as to not awake the multiple-click-submit-button-dragon, angering him and causing him to charge my credit card multiple times.”

Well, we were talking about that post today. Of course, knowing my wife, I knew she was being silly and creative and funny. What I DIDN’T know was that she actually is a little paranoid about that submit button! The sites always say “CLICK SUBMIT ONLY ONCE” in big bold letters and it makes her nervous that she’s going to do it wrong. She literally clicks it as quickly and as lightly as she possibly can to avoid being misinterpreted by the submit button!

I thought that was funny. So I said, “you seriously do that?”

As if to justify her neurosis, she goes on to say, “well, you have to be careful because what if you lose control of your finger…” I REALLY don’t know what she said after that because I was lost in a fit of uncontrollable laughter! I could not stop laughing at the image of someone losing control of that blasted finger that clicks the mouse!

Crystal, I love you with all of my heart…but you need help! Especially if you are having problems with occasionally losing control of your fingers!

I admit there’s a chance that you “had to be there” in order for that to be as funny as it really was…but what’s worse is as I’m posting this, she’s STILL trying to justify that you just never know…it COULD happen!

Every once in a while, when I am on the web and I have run through my normal routine (email, blog subscriptions, random thoughts I feel I must look up) I will reach a point where I decide it’s time to Stumble. If you’re not familiar with StumbleUpon then visit their site, get the toolbar and start stumbling. It can be fun.

Today I stumbled upon a website called I Am Neurotic. When I started reading the posts, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or just stare blankly at the screen. The most concerning thing to me is that I just KNOW that there is something I can or probably even should post there. Almost like a neurotic desire to share being neurotic. The bad part…at the moment, I can’t seem to think of the things that would think appropriate to post!

And the worst part…I subscribed to their RSS feed!