Brain Dungeon

Oh wait, it’s me!

Ok, so, wow. Long time since I last posted. Two months since my last post…almost three since my last “real” post. I know I’m rambling to almost nobody, here, but I still feel the need to catch up…with…myself?

It’s been a hectic few months. Work has been busy, so there hasn’t been a WHOLE lot of social life going on. (oooh…ending a sentence with a preposition – I’m DEvolving!) I took a trip to Utah in August to visit with family I haven’t seen in upwards of 12 years. The reason for the trip was actually the celebration of my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Their anniversary is really in September, but since it was easier to get everyone together in August – that was the month we got together!

So – I saw my parents and one of my brothers and his family for the first time in almost 3 years. I saw my Grandparents and some of my aunts and uncles for the first time in almost 8 years. And I saw most of the rest of my family whom I hadn’t seen in 12 years! Including my “little” brother. I use quotes because he’s 4 years younger than I am and the last time I saw him, he was a short little runt of a 12-year-old whose biggest accomplishment in life was tattling on our sister and getting her in trouble. Now he’s a gargantuan (4 inches taller than me) 24-year-old who spent 2 years on a mission in Taiwan, has learned to fluently speak Mandarin Chinese, and has even recorded for Disney (he plays cello).

Since I came back, I’ve been working a whole lot more. Mostly because the company I work for just opened up a new restaurant. Since I’m the lead on all the techie stuff that goes in (registers, computers, cameras, etc) that means a lot of long hours. But the opening was a success a couple of days ago, and aside from working out a few kinks, I think I’ll soon be able to move on to other projects.

In the interest of not making this TOO long (I think that ship has sailed), I’ll mention one other thing and send you, my loyal reader(s?), off to do thy bidding. Last weekend, I got back from work and just felt the need to get out of the house. I convinced my wife that we should get out and maybe take some pictures or something (we both enjoy a little photography). So, we got in her new (used) Mazda Tribute (4 wheel drive, baby!) and went down to the beach. (Our first time on the beach in 4 wheel drive!) We snapped a few pictures of the water, the birds, and of us! One picture turned out really well and neither of us could believe it actually came out good! Because of my back injury from my military days, this shot hurt pretty bad afterward…but it was so worth it. Check it out.

So, anyway, I suppose that’s it. In case you care, I updated my profile with a new “about me” and a new “random question” and had a little fun with it, so feel free to check it out. Drop me a line and let me know I’m not just talking to myself and hopefully I’ll post again soon…sooner than 2 months!

Every once in a while, when I am on the web and I have run through my normal routine (email, blog subscriptions, random thoughts I feel I must look up) I will reach a point where I decide it’s time to Stumble. If you’re not familiar with StumbleUpon then visit their site, get the toolbar and start stumbling. It can be fun.

Today I stumbled upon a website called I Am Neurotic. When I started reading the posts, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or just stare blankly at the screen. The most concerning thing to me is that I just KNOW that there is something I can or probably even should post there. Almost like a neurotic desire to share being neurotic. The bad part…at the moment, I can’t seem to think of the things that would think appropriate to post!

And the worst part…I subscribed to their RSS feed!

I subscribe to a blog that I think is absolutely hilarious called (The Customer is) Not Always Right. I think that this site is particularly hilarious because, for the most part, you can’t make this stuff up! I have been in situations where I have seen and heard the kinds of things on this site and it makes an awesome addition to my blog subscriptions.

I thought about submitting this story to their site, but it really needs the pictures to go with it. First of all, a little back story:

The company I work for was remodeling one of our restaurants. For the illusion of anonymity and for the sake of the people I work for, I have eliminated brand-specific portions of the images below using black rectangles. Other than that, the images are untouched.

Notice in this first picture how there are no registers on the counter, there is a bathroom sink laying sideways on the counter, and behind the counter this is a disassembled shake/ice-cream machine.

You can also see, off to the left, some building materials laying on the counter. If there were any different angle, you’d see missing ceiling tile and wires dangling from the ceiling.

In this next image you can kind of make out the fact that there are unconnected soda syrup hoses on a soda fountain that has no front image, some building materials laying on the counter, and the cabinet underneath is open and shows hoses that are not connected…

It would have been a little more amusing if I’d gotten this picture when one of our maintenance guys was sitting INSIDE this cabinet working on the hose connections.

This next picture shows in just how much disarray our dining room was. There are boxes everywhere, the glass on the front door had gotten broken during the remodel (fortunately, there was already a plan to replace those doors) and you can see construction equipment outside (a sky lift or something like that).

There are obviously boxes everywhere and the place needs a diligent cleaning from all the sawdust and whatnot on the floor.

And lastly, in this final picture, you can see another part of the dining room that shows evidence of a remodel going on. Notice the shop-vacuum, the numerous boxes, cleaning supplies, a construction dumpster outside…the works.

Outside there is also a marquee/reader-board sign below our main sign that says “Closed For Remodel”.

At this point, I think it is pretty well established that this restaurant was closed…for a remodel. I was sitting in the dining room working on my computer (I’m a tech and I was following up on some support emails). A guy parks in our lot (on the side with the sky lift and construction dumpster. Walks in and stands at the front counter for about 30 seconds looking around and then turns around and asks me…

“Are they open?”

Are you kidding me??? I very seriously wanted to say, “Yeah, they are. Someone will be with you shortly,” and then see just how long he’d stand there. Or…I wanted to pick up the sink and throw it at his head because, likely, I wouldn’t do much damage to his brain AND I would feel better. Unfortunately, there are times when what I want to do, and what is professional are very different things. So I just said, “I’m sorry, sir. They are closed for remodeling.”

Oh well…I guess if it weren’t for people like that guy, people like me wouldn’t have as much to laugh at.

and SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT???

OH…MY…GOSH…

You would NOT believe the experience I just had at Bennigan’s. Before I start, please let me say that I am typing this and LAUGHING…this is not an angry post.

After a long day of working hard, my co-worker and I decided to have dinner at Bennigan’s. It just sounded good. We walked in, we were seated…enter Kevin.

Kevin (obviously one of the newest guys in the restaurant) handed us our menus and asked us what we’d like to drink. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a thick southern drawl being spoken in such a rapid New York style pace! We placed our drink order and before we even opened our menus he said, “Are y’all ready to order yet or do you need a couple of minutes?”

Um…we need a couple of minutes. I’ve been a waiter and I know how nerve-wracking it can be when you’re first getting started, but HOLY COW…we hadn’t even opened our menus yet! So he goes away and comes back with our drinks in about 30 seconds (I would swear he was hopped up on SOMETHING) and says “Are y’all ready to order yet?”

Um…no! At this point, it’s already comical. But something on the menu had caught my eye and I decided to ask about it. They had a “Lucky Three” combo that allowed you to pick an appetizer, an entree and a dessert. That’s what the menu said. It did not, however, list a price. So I asked Kevin, “so what’s with this Lucky Three combo?” Most experienced wait staff would proceed to say something along the lines of, “Well, for 10.99, you can order an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert from this list.” Not Kevin, he takes the menu from me and starts reading to me exactly what I had already read…without the price.

Trying to be patient and trying not to laugh I asked how much for the combo. He tells me 10.99 and then asks us if we’re ready to order. Keep in mind this conversation has lasted all of about 30 seconds. I tell him we’ll need another minute and my co-worker, trying to stifle his laughter, says “I’ll wave you down when we’re ready.”

So we review the choices of appetizer, entree and dessert for this combo and make our decisions on what we want to eat. Out of the corner of my eye I see Kevin standing less than 10 feet away just watching us like a hawk! I glance up…barely make eye contact and he is on his way over.

So my co-worker places his order first. He asks for a caesar salad, but with ranch dressing. Kevin can’t believe his ears! “You want RANCH on your CAESAR salad??? What…do you want it on the side or something?”

My co-worker tries to explain how this is normally accomplished…”well, don’t put the caesar dressing on it….just the ranch.”

“Ohhhhhh…so you don’t want the caesar dressing on it, but you want the ranch on the side.”

“Sure.” Again…he’s trying not to laugh at this poor guy. He proceeds to order his entree which is a cajun chicken and shrimp pasta dish. It’s supposed to be served on fettuccine. Apparently they are out of fettuccine…but our green waiter says, “We are out of the noodles…is the thick round pasta [penne] ok?”

My mind is swimming with ways to keep from laughing at this guy. I feel bad for him, but at the same time, it’s HILARIOUS. He should not yet be trying to serve a table on his own! Next, my co-worker has to order his dessert. “I’ll take Abbey’s Apple Sizzler.”

“Apple chiseler?” WHAT??? “Oh, apple sizzler.”

*WHEW* ok…now it’s my turn. I order the buffalo wings (pretty easy for him to jot down). I also order the Cajun chicken and shrimp pasta…and then I order the “death by chocolate” dessert. I watch as he’s writing with his neon-green gel pen and realize that as I am telling him what dessert I want, he’s still writing the word “and” as he’s getting through writing the WHOLE DISH NAME down that I ordered. I used to be a waiter and know that typically they try to abbreviate as much as possible to be quick. Then I watch him try to write the dessert I ordered…

B B B Death…

Congratulations, Kevin! You learned to abbreviate the order. Took you a minute to figure out how to spell it, but you wrote just DEATH!

He tells us it’ll be about 15 minutes and then offers me a refill on my diet pepsi that is less than half-way gone. Ok…so far, decent, if not very fast-paced, service.

For the next several minutes, we laugh about what other occupations Kevin may or may not be suited to work. He is kind of tied up helping someone with a large party order, and we’re not in much of a hurry, so we don’t mind waiting. Finally, after about 10 or 15 minutes, out come our appetizers…YAY!!! We were both famished! “Sorry that took so long guys! Kinda busy over there! Here are your appetizers.”

“No problem. Thanks.”

He walks away and in less than a minute returns with our entrees. Ok…a little quick on the entree, but neither of us is complaining. So we make it through the appetizers and start on our entrees and both of our glasses are refilled again…this time just by bringing replacement drinks while both glasses are still about half-way full. (Not complaining, just explaining). I ask for extra napkins, because we both only started with one. He brings back an inch thick stack of cocktail napkins and 4 wet-wipes. Did we look THAT BAD????

We get a few bites into our entrees when Kevin is back asking if we’re ready for our desserts yet and if we’d like to go boxes!!!!!

If I was in a bad mood, this probably would have irritated me, but instead, because of my giddiness over how comical his service was, it was all I could do to stay out of fits of laughter. Seriously??? TO GO BOXES??? We hadn’t been eating for more than 5 or 10 minutes! We waited longer than that for our food! As outsiders looking in on these two somewhat dishevelled
(from a long day of hot, tiresome work) loonies laughing as their waiter walked away, we must have looked like we were stoned out of our gourds.

Fast forward to dessert. My co-worker was ready for his dessert before I was, and so his dessert was brought out first. When I was ready for mine, Kevin ran…LITERALLY RAN to the kitchen to get it. He brought it out to me and I began to dig in to something that can only be described as sugar topped with sugar on a sugar crust with sugar drizzled on top. Death by Chocolate was really an appropriate name. I told my co-worker that Kevin must have had 3 of these before work.

After a few minutes and nearing the end of dessert, Kevin walks toward us and asks if we’re going to be on the same check. I say we are and he turns around and YELLS to the person at the register “YEAH! THEY’RE ON THE SAME CHECK!” and jogs back to the register. When he brings us the check, he sets it down on the table and as sincere as can be says “Sorry if I made you wait too long for anything.”

That was more than either of us could handle. We both busted out in laughter before he started walking away. I asked my co-worker “Did he SERIOUSLY just say that???” The only way we could have waited any less time is if he’d had the drinks on the table before we were seated and was bringing us the meal as we read the menus ON THE WAY to our table! I was surprised he didn’t somehow already have my credit card to bring back to me with the check when he brought it the first time!

I paid the check, tipped him well, because really…he deserved it. And headed out the door. I couldn’t help it…as I walked out I asked the host if Kevin was new…as if I needed validation. She kinda had that “ouch…you really had to ask” kind of look on her face as she said, “yes”. I said, “oh, it was good service…just a little quick on the trigger…but he did well!” and we left.

Truly…I hope this was as comical to read as it was to experience!

You’ll find out who in a sec.

Well it’s been another long while since I’ve posted. I’ve not had many opportunities to sit down and share what’s on my mind lately…I’ve been quite busy. Since I last posted and mentioned that we opened another restaurant in record time (at least for us) we opened yet ANOTHER restaurant. Now it may sound like this one was the record-setter, but it wasn’t. This one was actually started BEFORE the other one…but then all resources were diverted to the other one to get it open before spring break. In the end, the pace for the one that just opened was much better.

So anyway, back to my headline.

I was driving a long mostly empty road between George West, Texas and Refugio, Texas…probably nearing the Beeville, Texas limits when I saw this…

Now if you are unfamiliar with what you are looking at, let me explain for you why I thought this guy was lost. This is none other than an Amish Horse-and-Buggy! For those of you who DON’T know…the Amish primarily reside in the north…Ohio, Pennsylvania, Indiana and Canada are where you’ll find the majority of them. I lived in Pennsylvania, right in the heart of what we referred to as “Amish Country” – Lancaster County. You can learn more about them here if you are so inclined.

But…to see this guy trotting down a Texas road really surprised me. I’m sure there are a few Amish families in the area, and I may have even seen one once before here in Texas, but it’s NOT a common sight as deep south as I am.

I was on the phone with my wife when I first noticed him. I drove past him and said “I HAVE to get a picture…I wonder if my camera phone works while I’m talking on the phone.” So I turned around and snapped this picture. I attempted to get one from the front end of the buggy, too, but I mistimed it and he wasn’t even in the frame. (My camera phone is quite a slow camera!) I figured it wouldn’t be a good thing to turn around again and attempt another picture. I don’t know if the Amish get paranoid when they see the same car drive by them 5 times in less than 5 minutes, but I didn’t want to take that chance. Also, the Amish (at least in Pennsylvania) aren’t fond of having photos taken of them. The won’t pose for pictures. The wiki I pointed you to says it’s because they oppose vanity, but I seem to remember hearing when I was growing up that they felt that photographs stole part of your soul. The first reason actually sounds more likely, but WHATEVA.

Anyway…thought you’d like to see an Amish Texan. Now it’s time to get ready for work…FUN!

I just learned something about blogger. After typing in your title, if you hit “Enter,” blogger will post your title and close the editor. Good to know. I normally hit the “Tab” key, but for some reason I hit “Enter” and learned something new.

So…why have I been so quiet? I spent a week in a city about 3 hours away from home helping to put the technological touches on another one of our restaurants. It.Was.CRAZY. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something develop so quickly! If you would have asked me on Sunday if we would be opening on Friday, I would have said, “Are you crazy?” And if you had in turn asked me at midnight on Thursday night if we were opening on Friday morning, I would have said, “There’s just no way!” But…the persistence of those who employ me and the hard work of everyone involved had us opening those doors the next morning. INCREDIBLE!

I also had a little mini revelation while staying in the hotel down there. There is just NO recovering from a cold blast of water coming out of the shower-head as you turn on the water when you’re EXPECTING the water to come from the faucet. NO RECOVERING. You can turn the water on as hot as you can tolerate it, but you will still feel as though your bloodstream is now suitable for the filming of “March of the Penguins 2.” I am still shivering, and this was well over a week ago.

So I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few days ago. If you haven’t yet read about the pink jeep, it would be a good precursor to what you are about to learn.

My friend called me up to tell me that he actually pulled up next to the pink jeep at a traffic light. I was going to say “stop light” but that’s not entirely accurate as part of the time it’s a “go light”. Anyway, he said that he was able to see the driver of this vehicle. Now, I am sorry to stereotype, but I imagined that the driver of this…aberration…could likely be a young blonde female who was full of herself and just didn’t care that she was making a mockery out of jeep owners EVERYWHERE by choosing to adorn her vehicle in such a shade. In my mind it very easily could have been a Paris Hilton type – with attitude and everything…and of course her excuse would be that it’s CUUUUUUUUUUTE. Well – IT’S NOT CUUUUUUUUUUTE! It’s PUUUUUUUUUUKE!

Anyway, so when he tells me that he has seen the driver of said abomination I suddenly doubt that it is going to be what I might expect because, let’s face it, otherwise this conversation would not be noteworthy. So I said to him, “Please tell me it’s at LEAST a girl!” He does not. He does not even just tell me what the driver looked like, but posed his statement in the form of a question.

“What if I told you that the driver was a completely bald man in his 30s with arms covered in tattoos?”

…

Paris Hilton, if by chance you happen to read my blog some day, I apologize for making an assumption that involved a likeness of you. But would you do me the favor of PAYING THIS MAN WHATEVER IT TAKES TO REMOVE THIS VEHICLE FROM HIS POSSESSION???

Ok, now I have to admit, I did not see the driver, nor did I really take the time to listen to see if he might describe in better detail what this driver looked like so now I have a different image in my head. A big, scruff, biker-type dude with a handlebar mustache and a tattoo on his shoulder that has “Mom” in a big ol’ heart that he uses as an excuse to pound the life out of someone, should they choose to mock him. Now this vision can go one of two ways. This big, tough, killing-machine of a man could be secretly dainty…picking daffodils and wishing he had hair to adorn with said flowers. OR he could also use the JEEP as a means of providing him with a reason to expose a mocker’s innards to the whole world.

I have to say…I don’t know what to feel.

But…I will close with this. My friend called with a different reason entirely. Sure he brought further shame on the idea of a pink jeep, but he also called me to vent about his frustrations regarding a recent database upgrade the company he works for just experienced. To keep it short, he explained that the ONLY person tasked to work with the main office (in another state) was an 87-year-old woman who “does not know how to spell ‘PC’ and if you ask her a technical question, she will cry!”

Perhaps you had to be there, but I found that HILARIOUS.

Maybe it’s a geographical thing…maybe it’s just an insanity thing…I don’t know what to attribute it to, but I find myself absolutely appalled at the fact that the people around me haven’t heard (or have heard of but have not TRIED) things that were common to me as a child.

The first one is peanut butter and banana sandwiches. How is it even POSSIBLE that there are people out there who have not sampled this delicacy? How is it possible that some have not HEARD of this fine treat? HOLY COW! What kind of deprived childhood did these people suffer???

I don’t remember how it came up, but I was talking about this at work and NO ONE in my office (those that were present at the time anyway) had ever tried this sandwich. At first it was a conversation with one person and I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t ever tried peanut butter and banana. So then I turned to someone else and said, “tell her how good peanut butter and banana sandwiches are!” and that person had not tried them either! So this continued on as I started moving from person to person trying to express how insane I thought they were for not having tried this sandwich only to find out that I WAS THE INSANE ONE in this situation! I WAS THE ODDBALL (not that it’s unusual for me to be the oddball, but in this case, COME ON!)

So I moved on to something else…peanut butter and marshmallow…also commonly referred to as a “fluffernutter“

…

Ok…how is it possible that out 5 or 6 people that were in the office at the time, that I was the ONLY person who had not only had BOTH of these sandwiches, but even ONE of these sandwiches! Ok, granted I never was a huge fan of the fluffernutter, but it was VERY common where I spent the majority of my youth/teen years.

And the next one…this one had me ready to call the looney bin. ELEPHANT JOKES! The hilarious because it’s not hilarious art form of the elephant joke!!! And what’s worse still is trying to EXPLAIN an elephant joke to someone who has never heard one.

Me: “How do you get down off an elephant”
Them: “…?”
Me: “You don’t! You get down off a goose!”

Why…oh WHY did I have to explain this??? Seriously…just do a Google search on elephant jokes and you’ll know I’m not crazy. This one had me chuckling for a good bit:

What did the cat say to the elephant?
“Meow”

*Sigh* Am I the ONLY sane person in my world?

Sometimes I act weird.

Even at work.

I’m an IT Manager and when called to someones desk for help, I like to stand with chest puffed out and hands on hips like I’m superman or something. Yeah, I know…I’m a geek.

So the other day I was standing in the doorway of a co-worker’s office in the aforementioned stance. She says to me, “So where’s your cape?”

“Today’s laundry day,” I reply. “Crystal’s washing it for me today.”

We get a chuckle and that’s the end of the first part of the story.

About a week later my co-workers are standing outside smoking and I decide that I could use some socializing so I go stand outside to chit-chat with them while they fumigate their lungs. I decide to stand in my super-pose again…I don’t know why. Remember – I’m a geek. So the previously mentioned co-worker is there and says, “is your cape STILL in the laundry?” and I said, “what, you think I only ever wear it at work?”

We chuckle and then I said “you watch, I’ll come to work one day wearing a cape.”

She says “will you put a giant I.T. on the cape?”

“On the CAPE??? No! On my chest…like superman!”

Another lady in the group chimes in and says, “it?”

I explain, “I.T. – Information Technology”

“I know,” she says “But that’s what people will think when they see you. It?”

I get clever. “Well, I COULD title myself Super Human Information Technology.”

No laughter. They didn’t get it.

I had to explain it.

Then they laughed because it was VERY funny.

Maybe you had to be there.

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?????

That’s the first paragraph in my new story, “Sticking it to the Man Who’s Sticking it to the Man”

Let me explain.

Crystal and I were watching an episode of “Monk” that we had on DVR from a couple of weeks ago and Adrian Monk was taking up painting as a hobby. He was taking a class and the teacher walked by him and asked “Who told you that you can draw?” She went on to tell him that his art wasn’t good. When he said that he was drawing what he saw she said “you aren’t seeing it right.” When he said, “But I thought you said there was no right and wrong,” she responded “never say that again.”

Ok, so it made for funny TV. And what was funnier still is that what he had drawn probably COULD have been taken for “real art”. Heck, Crystal liked it!

But it made me think…why do painters get such liberty when it comes to art. Heck…musicians and sculpters get the same freedom. But writers…they’re much more limited to this same freedom of which I am speaking…

Do a Google search on ‘art splatter’ and you’ll see what I’m talking about. An “artist” can, in the name of art and in rebellion against civilization, splatter paint on a canvas randomly and it gets called “art”. People pay money for this “statement.” You can find sculptures made from junk and there are certain types of music which really seem to have no real form at all. Yet when writers write, they must use WORDS.

If a writer, in a sudden urge to rebel against everything that they were taught…just decided to randomly pound on a keyboard in the name of art, no publisher would pick it up (at least that’s the assumption I’m making now). Though, I wouldn’t doubt it if someone somewhere decided to prove me wrong and got rich and famous because they decided that when it comes to words, there really is no right or wrong, as long as you can see it. It would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “tell the story in your own words.” Better yet, it won’t be a writer. It’ll be a painter who makes a random congregation of typed text on a canvas and it’ll go down in history.

Well…in case that happens…remember that you saw it here first!

So I was driving to work the other day, probably listening to a book-on-phone (what?). I learned that listening to books while I drive (especially long distances) can really shorten a drive. So my wife bought me some books on CD and I ripped ‘em to my computer, made MP3s out of them and put them on my memory card I bought for my phone which doubles as an MP3 player.

Anyway, so I’m driving along, minding my own business when this vehicle passes me in the next lane over. I had to do a double take…was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing? Perhaps I was drunk…no, I hadn’t had anything to drink in months, much less that morning. Perhaps I was high? No…don’t do drugs. Then why, in the name of everything good and pure, was I seeing what I was seeing? I got it! The end times…they were starting to happen right in front of my face! The world was getting ready to plummet into tribulation and dispair and it was all happening right before my eyes!

Ok…a bit over the top? Perhaps…but so was this:

No – really…it’s a pink Jeep. (I covered the license plate to protect the not-so-innocent)

A.Pink.Jeep.

Why? It’s….why???? Jeeps don’t belong it that color!!! Made for greens…acceptable in reds, blacks, blues, whites….but PINK??? It would be like seeing a rainbow in the sky with BLACK in it. It’s just not natural. You know, I would be willing to bet that as THEY were trying to put that color on the Jeep, it actually tried to dodge the paint. I’ll bet that it tried to shake off the offending tones like a dog shakes off water after a bath. I’ll bet there were mechanical sounds of an engine weeping oily tears as they touched up the last of the paint job. I’ll bet to this day there is a persistant oil leak in from the vehicle and they just don’t understand that THE JEEP IS STILL CRYING!

Get off my planet you barbarians! You don’t give a dog a mink coat and you don’t paint a Jeep PINK!

Ok…again…over the top…but so was the Jeep. Perhaps a inverted view of the colors would help.

There. I’ve made my peace with it.